Have you imagined your life is a computer game that has no way of switching it off? There are different modes of games – beginners, intermediate and expert. In comparison to depression, it is a game that you never heard of and know nothing but you are forced to play it. Worst you’re playing an expert mode without any instruction and don’t know about the game. Lots will say, “It’s easy, you just need to do this and this.” In no way to explain it, even though you exert the same efforts as others or even more effort, there is no way you can cope with it. It’s hard. It seems easy to others. They are having fun, smiling, and even laughing. In my case, even though I smile. Even though I laugh – there is no way I am having fun. I don’t have any motivation to end the game and finish it. I want to end it but, I can’t stop. There is no way out. For almost a year, that game I am playing become grief of gray and sudden black. I can hear the muffled sounds of the world around me, but it feels so tedious. All the colors and pretty things around me turned into sort of dull gray. I can sense that I am far from colors. I can only sense the darkness and that I’ve been there in the first place. I am drowning.
Drowning in the dark that I know only exists in my mind. It’s exhausting, I am always looking for the lights just to see a way out, but I can see nothing but darkness. I turned back and look around to see lights but only realizing it that everything I can see around is darkness. Then, I realized that I am stuck because there was only darkness around me. There are times that I can feel that I am walking in a big bubble of tar. It nonchalantly drags me down and suffocates me. I can feel the grief and heavy weight inside of me. It stays and feels like it builds a house inside of me. It’s like an invisible barrier between me and the world. I want to escape, but I was glued and taped. Depression was already my reflux. I can feel the pain in my chest. It’s like a bubble that max hoping that when I burp it will drop. Hoping that I can feel the relief but I’m still drowning. There’s no way to escape. No matter what people try to do to help me, I’m still stuck.
The voices in the back of my head is so hard to defeat. It loudly gives me the thoughts and even auditory hallucinations that I don’t deserve to be help out. The thoughts that there’s no one who wants me around. I hate it but I can’t do anything about it. Depression is so much more than anxiety and sadness that I always wish to find the escape for this real and worst enemy.
Credits to XIA
